Tag Archives: Avengers

BLOG: YTC_Hollyweird: Episode V: The Disabled Strike Back

 

Follow me on Twitter: @You_Total_Cult.

In the short term, the YTC podcast can currently be found at http://www.chrisandphilpresent.co.uk/blogs/youtotalcult/

BLOG PIC

The blog below was under an older name of Hollyweird. I have kept the numbering the same so that I could keep track of my posts, but this is where it all begin back in the heyday of 2012…

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During a rare crossover period at the height of Grindhouse and the tail end of Kung-Fu-sploitation, The Crippled Masters……… WHOA! WAIT! What am I doing?!?!?

We interrupt this blog to report that my hetro-life partner, Craig, and I are now podcasting- and that’s not prison slang, folks.

Ant and Dec had never looked better

 

 

Podcasting is a lot like blogging but quicker for us to record. Meanwhile, you don’t have to use your eyes to enjoy it, just your ears. So podcasts are theoretically more useful for Ray Charles rather than Beethoven, but Helen Keller had no chance either way…. Though to be fair she probably didn’t experience films much anyway.

 

Should you decide that Hollyweird just does not cover your cult of comedic needs then below is the first entry of You Total Cult. Within its realms two men act like bickering children whilst revealing why they will never EVER be cool. The least you can do is listen out of pity for their wastes of adulthood.

[wpaudio url=”http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/YouTotalCult/~3/IWmNnlF9yks/ytc_e1_07052012.mp3″ text=”You Total Cult ep1: The Geekest Link” dl=”http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/YouTotalCult/~3/IWmNnlF9yks/ytc_e1_07052012.mp3″]

You Total Cult is also available at http://feeds.feedburner.com/YouTotalCult and on that fancy iTunes thing. So please review it on iTunes if you like it, and please keep it to yourself if you don’t like it.

 

Right,we now return back to our main feature………

 

He looks hard, but you could just push him over

 

During a rare crossover period at the height of Grindhouse and the tail end of Kung-Fu-sploiation, The Crippled Masters stood out like Mike Tyson at a Klan rally; It was hard to believe that it had turned up, nobody knew what to say, and all you could do was wonder how in the hell this had come about.

 

Allow me to explain. The Crippled Masters uses a pair of real-life, disabled martial arts masters- or ‘crippled masters’ if you will.

 

In this tale, a fella called Lee Ho, is betrayed by his Kung-Fu brethren and has his arms chopped off. Yep, just like that. It’s how the film begins. This attack was ordered by the evil Lin Chang Cao, who you can tell is evil as he has a scar and a hump. Soon after, the thug Tang, who was wielding the swords on Lee Ho, is similarly betrayed by ol’d Humpty Dumpty, Lin Chang Cao. Tang has his legs burned off -by acid, for no particular reason. But I suppose in medieval China, this was the closest thing to enjoying others pain like on Britain’s Got Talent, so let’s not judge Lin Chang Cao too harshly.

Ironically they would have each traded an arm and a leg for the others outfit.

 

As luck would have it both Lee Ho and Tang end up running into one another (well, not exactly walking…). Before Lee Ho can kill Tang in retribution, a wizened, old, alcoholic Sensei appears and begins to teach Lee Ho and Tang to fight back in their new states; one man with no legs and the other with no arms. Frankly I have yet to meet an old drunk who can teach me an exclusive skill set beyond the ability to puke on ones shoes without noticing, but perhaps I need to go to Asia.

 

Along the way various things happen, but ultimately it comes down to the fact that even the Crippled Masters skills are not enough to defeat the evil hunchbacked gang boss- for it turns out that his hunch is metal and he can block any attack with it! That’s right, just when you thought that this film couldn’t get any weirder you were proved wrong. Perhaps the only way for Tang and Lee Ho can defeat Lin Chang Cao is if the could somehow team up… perhaps even be strapped together to form a solitary mighty Un-crippled Master!!! I won’t ruin the end, but…. uh, I suspect I may have just done so.

 

But seriously, how can you not be at least curious to watch a film that involves real life-disabled marital artists, a metal-humped villain and absolutely no good taste whatsoever?!

 

Make no mistake, beyond the shock-value, The Crippled Masters is not a good film. The dubbing is atrocious, the plot all over the place, the quality of the film footage poor and the very taste of the whole project is beyond questionable.

 

Yet I do put it to anyone reading this piece, if you were a qualified martial artist with no arms, wouldn’t you want a chance to showcase what you had achieved? To inspire other people with disabilities? To get to be a film star for once? Heck, even just to purely show off how cool you are? These are the reasons I can justify owning this film and also promoting it here. In truth I cannot recommend this from any quality perspective, but also in truth I can greatly recommend it from an eye-opening life-experience perspective.

Next time will be something very different indeed- a fully realised and immersive Soundtrack for a Giallo film… even though the Giallo film was never due to exist at any point. Hmmmm.

 

Thanks for reading… and hopefully listening, too.

 

MJ