BLOG YTC_Hollyweird: Episode X: “Ballsy”

Follow me on Twitter: @You_Total_Cult.

In the short term, the YTC podcast can currently be found at http://www.chrisandphilpresent.co.uk/blogs/youtotalcult/

 

BLOG PIC

 

The blog below was under an older name of Hollyweird. I have kept the numbering the same so that I could keep track of my posts, but this is where it all begin back in the heyday of 2012…

 

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Today’s entry was supposed to be all about Santa’s Slay– a black comedy in which Santa is actually Satan’s son and goes on a killing spree. Having heard it was pretty terrible, I ordered the film for a whopping £1.38 on Amazon and prepped for it. But a funny thing happened- or rather no funny things happened. The film was just dull.

Santa’s Slay is not awful. It’s somewhat competent. It’s just too ‘meh’ to actually write about. It stars ex-wrestler Bill Goldberg, who seems to be having some fun even if walking and talking is obviously confusing for him, Co-starring are a bunch of people you’ll go ‘I know them from TV!’ including The Nanny’s Fran Drescher, Saturday Night Live’s Chris Kattan, Nip/Tuck’s Rebecca Gayheart, Frasier’s Saul Rubinek, Desperate Housewives’ Dave Thomas and Lost’s Emilie de Ravin. The most entertaining part of the film came in the first minute when I wondered if that old guy was James Caan- and it turns out it was. So that just about covers the Santa’s Slay.

 

But- but, but, but, but, but….. I would never cheat my, readers (both of them). So instead I’ll fast track today’s blog to something that I was saving for next week; The Greatest Band Of All Goddamn Time………. ARNOCORPS.

 

Hail!


A self described “Action Adventure Hardcore Rock and Roll” band, ArnoCorps are the world’s first- and finest- band to feature lyrics based on the films, the quotes and life musings of Arnold Schwarzenegger. Or do they?? ArnoCorps claim to be inspired by ancient folklore and mythology originating from small townships of Austria. In a horrifying act of capitalism, Hollywood movie executives stole these tales for plot material and dialogue before casting some Austrian Body-builder in the resulting movies. Well not on ArnoCorp’s watch, people. They’re takin’ it all back.

(NB: Fortunately for the people of Austria, in 2004 the band launched a class-action lawsuit against these film studios. The case failed to go to court due to too many pencils getting pushed by the Dillon’s of the world).

Modesty is for wimps

 

So the doubters amongst you may wonder how well does an Arnie-based rock band fare on the whole? Well to put it in the the immortal words of William Shakespeare; it blows your goddamn ears right off of your goddamn skull, that’s how well it goddamn fares!!

Here’s why;

 

Exhibit A.

The songs are pounding rhythms of pure testosterone, sure. That’s a given. But they also drip with enough absurd comic moments to keep everyone smiling.

Here are some sample lyrics from ‘Total Recall’

“What the fuck did I do wrong?/
Suddenly I see I don’t belong/
Ask about the future, don’t know the past/
The thoughts in my mind don’t seem to last!

My whole life is just a dream/
Now I know what I could’ve been/
I want to climb the mountains of Mars/
With wholesale memories, I’m in charge!

Get your ass! Get your ass to Mars!
Get your ass! Get your ass to Mars!“

 

Words are on thing, but embodying the image is something more. Here’s the instant-classic, “I’m Ballsy”. Bonus Points if you get all the Arnie references.

 

Everybody now… “I’m ballsy/I’m a stud/I don’t take shit from anyone!”

 

Exhibit B.

Showmanship.

ArnoCorps set a new, 6ft 2” standard for fun gigs.

The last time I saw them, there was a wet t-shirt contest with the drummer, multiple stage invasions were encouraged (this author may, or may not, have been one such invader), oh yeah….and the guitarist crowd surfed on his guitar case. ON. HIS. GUITAR. CASE.

Charlie don’t surf but Arnie does.

 

Some berk on the right

Add their intro and it was Arnie-tacular. Do you all recall the start of Predator? The ‘Rescue Team’ fly into the jungle blasting out Little Richard’s ‘Long Tall Sally’ lit completely inside rthe chopper by a red light. Well ArnoCorps entered through the crowd to the same song, carrying red emergency flares and all whilst waving their own flag and smoking stoogies. Showmanship!

 

Exhibit C.

It’s all about you/us.

The band celebrate their fans as ‘Heroes and Sheroes’. Frankly y’all, I like being praised. (Fun Fact: My buddy Amy has ticket 0001 for the gig. Now that’s a goddamn shero, right there!)

But it’s not just being ‘thanked’ by the band. It’s a whole community vibe. I’ve met the band once, but spoken to them online quite a lot. Each time has involved their encouragement for living a ‘ballsy’ life. OK, there’s a tongue in cheek aspect to it all, but how many musicians actually go out of their way to acknowledge individual fans, let alone pump them up?

I’ve paid a fair bit in shipping costs just to get an EP and a Patch because I damn well want to support this band. I want them to succeed. We support them, and in return they give us their all.

Old fashioned I know but I dig it. In fact I dig it this much…

Does this make my shin their property???

 

 

So if this has had an impact on you, please buy (not illegally download) their album for a good time, or have a look below and see if you can support them in the flesh. We’re on the cusp of a rare UK tour and this is the time to join the army of fans. Come on….Do it…. Do it now!!!

 

More details can be found here:

http://www.facebook.com/ArnoCorps/events

 

I hope to see you all at the party-especially Rictor.

 

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Next time- With the so-so performance of Santa’s Slay, my appetite for trashy ex-wrestler action-comedy is not yet sated. Next time it’ll be a faux-Scotsman wrestler vs the Battletoads.

 

Thanks for reading.

 

MJ

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